By Francine Strother
The mammogram found a suspicious mass,
An ultrasound and biopsy will show if I pass.
I wasn’t afraid, the professionals I did trust,
I will do what you recommend, if I must.
Yes, it is cancer and surgery must be done,
To preserve my health is number one.
Each step along the way, I was told what would happen to me,
It was so reassuring that nothing was a confusing mystery.
The surgeon said, off to radiation you go,
I knew nothing about it, but the experts will tell me what I need to know.
Contract to sign, please give me a reason why you might say,
We’ll tell you if the treatment changes along the way?
Radiation makes people tired, I suppose,
But that is not an answer to the question I posed.
Are you afraid? was my encouragement on the first day,
I wasn’t, but should have been, as only vague information would come my way.
I feel vulnerable as an imposing machine I lay under,
Surely they will tell me how it moves, I wonder.
Treatment went well the whole first week,
A positive experience is what I did seek.
I was always ready on time and did as they asked,
I trusted completely that they were guiding me through the task.
A longer first day, then the treatments will be quick.
For 5 days, I watched the same machine rotation pattern tick.
I’ve done 25% of my time under the machine,
I’m doing good, now I know the routine.
I didn’t expect the rotation pattern to change,
But an abrupt reversal of rotation to begin the next day startled and disoriented my mind out of reality range.
What is wrong, this isn’t the way it is supposed to be,
Why did they change the treatment I’ve had for a week?
I am so scared. Déjà vu to the contract wording,
Why didn’t they tell me my treatment hadn’t been working?
2 way communication doesn’t work, no use to scream,
Please tell me this is a nightmare dream.
Afterwards, they said it was really the same,
I don’t believe you, my eyes are not playing a game.
No big deal, confusion happens all the time, such as this,
Neither of 2 technicians could spare 10 seconds to warn me of this.
Go home in a daze, don’t want to continue,
No sleep, confusion, use up a box of tissue.
Surely the doctor will tell me why my treatment was reversed, thus,
It was a misunderstanding. The door is squeaking.
And you are just criticizing us.
Now I see where I stand. I’ll bother you no more to help me understand.
Finally, a reason why backwards the machine rolled,
Extra x-rays are taken every 5 days, but patients aren’t told.
So I will have this again next Tuesday?
No. But you just said...? You are again confusing me.
A new schedule was printed and handed to me,
One day is shown with different words from all the others I see.
To ease my mind, I ask what will come about?
I committed a mortal sin by daring to ask,
I was quickly chided and taken to task.
They say, Oh gee, I knew that would freak you out.
Hand me a revised schedule with those words deleted,
Poof! With those words gone, no answer is needed.
What is happening to me, I have a right to know,
Oh, well, not so, pull open the heavy door myself and go.
I don’t want to go back, no sleep, confusion, a struggle to continue, but my body needs to heal,
Go into survivor mode, the days left are few, pretend I am on an even keel.
Thanks for giving me 3 nice tubes of cream when I was done halfway,
I asked for instructions, just go put it on, she did say.
I struggled emotionally through the remaining days,
Once done, in two weeks someone will call you, he says,
To check and see how you are doing,
But no phone or messages ever did ring.
3 month checkup, I’m still at loose ends,
It is just a bump in the road he says.
Request medical records 3 times to see what I can learn,
Mailed twice, but the PO lost them in turn?
In 6 months, a new mammogram, the nurse says it’s clear,
So you don’t need another one for a year.
But the doctor told me every 6 months to be sure,
I am utterly confused, my mind is a blur.
Breast cancer radiation has no physical pain,
But emotional and psychological pain remains.
Psych yourself out and go in everyday,
Hoping with this invisible force, on this earth you will stay.
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